Things To Do In An Office
Take notes in finger paint.
At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously. Apologize for your sinus
condition.
Laugh uproariously at a joke that was made 2 or 3 minutes ago. Say, “Oh, NOW I
get it!”
Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: “Hey, you don't want to catch
what I've got!”
Check your watch very regularly, every 30 seconds or so.
Make a face like somebody beside you farted.
Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly
straighten up. Apologize profusely.
Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it
down the table.
Bring a noisy electric pencil sharpener. Sharpen your pencil every few minutes.
Complain loudly that your neighbor won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss
make him/her stop doing it.
Have someone deliver a large cardboard box to you in the conference room.
Apologize while you sign for it. About half an hour later, have a different
person deliver another one.
Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the table, turn each one inside
out, and inspect them carefully. If anyone says anything, tell them "doctor's
orders."
During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, make a little
noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
Bring a huge jar of Vaseline to the meeting. Display it prominently.
Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
Every so often, duck under the table. Stare in horror. Pop back up and look real
scared.
Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
Take your temperature every so often with a candy thermometer.
Distribute free condoms before or after the meeting.
Bring a pitcher of non-alcoholic beer to the meeting. As the meeting progresses,
start slurring your speech. Belch loudly. Tell your co-workers you can't help
it. Start crying.
26. Lapse into a staring coma. Drool. Have a confederate wipe the spit from your
lips, and say “It's pitiful. But what can you do?”
At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply.
Ask your neighbor, nearer the speaker, to trade places with you “so you can hear
better.” Gradually work your way up to the speaker. When you are as close as
possible, stare up at them adoringly. After a while, change your expression to a
frown, sigh heartbreakingly, and begin to stare into space.
Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone.
Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is
slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
Wear shades and carry a walkie-talkie with an earphone. Once in a while, quietly
say a few words into it.
Bring a doughnut cushion and use it. If anybody asks, say that your hemorrhoids
are really acting up.
Wear brightly-colored earmuffs. Explain that “my ears tend to get real cold at
these meetings.” Ask the speaker to please talk a little louder.
Stand up and start doing the Macarena. Forcibly wrestle yourself back into your
chair. Look real embarrassed. Tell everybody “My doctor's appointment is
tomorrow.”
Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible,
include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the
speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to
find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"
Bring a few telephone books. Add a few to sit on, adjusting your seat height
until the top of your head is exactly one-half inch higher than the speaker's.
Explain that you sometimes have trouble seeing the presentation.
Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the
meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears,
then leave the room.
Play a game of jacks on the conference table. Explain that it helps you
concentrate.
When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up
on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here's the way I see it, J.B...”
(or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.).
