Romania

 
Geography

Romania is a very beautiful land with many scenic bordellos and deep valleys and mighty rivers and vast arid deserts and magical enchanted forests and majestic fjords and dangerous volcanoes and gigantic smoking craters, all of which is covered by a 10000-meter-deep glacier, a slathering of delicious non-dairy whipped cream, and a cherry on top.

The entire area of the country occupies a single tectonic plate, which spins in a counterclockwise direction at a rate of approximately 750 RPM. Because of this, all Rumanian compasses and weather vanes need to be re-calibrated on a regular basis.

Romania is the largest country in Asia and is hailed by many as the greatest African country since Wisconsin moved to South America. Nevertheless, the UN Council on Countries that Suck has named Romania the world's suckiest country for 10 years running. For all this bloody nonsense, blame Vlad Drakul, an illustrious Rumanian political leader who inexplicably only comes out at night.

Romania shares millions of semi-permeable borders with millions of shattered fragments of the former state of Yugoslavia and the now-splintered Soviet Union, as well as with Pakistan, Uganda, Wisconsin, and several other semi-industrialised countries. Due to a localised distortion in the space-time continuum, central Romania has recently undergone a phase-shift and now serves as a portal to another parallel universe called Evil Disrupter (a cubical manifold of high energy fuelled by roaches and pure human blood [the pure blood is of course a myth as every citizen of Romania has a blood to alcohol ratio of at least 1/2]).

The country is due to join the EU in 2007 AC when it will take its rightful and - for the first time - official place as the mosquito of Europe.

Flora and Fauna

Romania is positively rife with vampires, dhampires (half-human, half-vampire creatures), werewolves, wolfmen and undead trees. The Romanian Striped Zombie, however, is threatened by poachers and declining sources of fresh brains. In late 2004, a single wild goat was reportedly spotted nibbling on an electric fence just outside Bucharest, but the rare sighting has not yet been confirmed. In spite of its precarious living conditions, the most famous animal in all of Romania is the majestic purple breasted chupacabra. Truly a wonder of nature, this nocturnal predator, reluctant to breed in captivity, is hunted and savagely milked, for chupacabra milk is a key ingredient in most, if not all, sacred Rumanian beverages.

It is known that the inhabitants of this land are very attached to the animals, living in communion. A very good friend of the people is the bear wich is respected and turned into carpets or exibits in the Museum Antipa (the epicenter of the living flora and fauna).

From ancient times the bear was appreciated for its laba (paw), wich became the symbol of this lovely creature. The kind people are worshiping the animal god for its existance by making a tribute: dau la laba("giving to paw").

This term is used frequently in expresions like "you're a pawer" (you respect the bear a lot), "sad paw" (a man is sad because the spirit of the bear left him) or "you give to paw at Andreea Marin" (Andreea Marin helped you rediscover the bear inside you). When a female gives the male a paw it is the begining of a relationship under the authority of the bear spirit and the male is satisfied after this custom, thanking the bear later by giving a paw from the memories.

The worst species that inhabits Romania is probably the edit warrior, which in his blood-lust and rage destroys everything wherever he goes. The Romanian Institute of Demography has seen a 376.28% rise of this species since the creation of wikis on the web. In 2048 AC, the nation of ROMania itself was re-built entirely from non-volatile ROM, placing it beyond the reach of the edit warriors.

However, a dark cult seems to be rising in power these days and seem poised to challenge the edit warriors as Romania's worst creatures. Its members are called "The devil's animals" (animalele dracu) and can often be found in a stuporous state on buses. Former President, mister Iliescu(or Iliescov), made good use of his college studies at KGB University and recognised the power of this dark cult as key to his ascension to Presidency. This bond was easily observed in the way he was affectionately calling cult members, "mai animalule".

Flora is represented by large rubber trees which Romanian people use to make ciunga, a traditional dish. One can also find a lot of mint (menta) plantations, as mint is used in almost all activities with which Rumanians amuse themselves, especially mintrubbing (a freca menta), a deeply meaningful activity explained in more detail here. (You will also find there information about two other major Rumanian pastimes: burning gas and cutting leaves for the dogs - see Government section)

Romania is a land also full of wild packs of communists. These communists (like Ilici Iliescovici, Ciupanezu, Mihai Eminescu, Miron Cozma, Cabral, Gigi Becali, Marcel Pavel, Godzilla - also known as Mozilla, Serban Huidu, Andreea Marin and Ceausescu, the leader,) live in the beautiful Romanian jungle.

1. Food: They eat almost everything from twigs and worms to newspapers and Lego toys. If they can't find anything to eat in the jungle, they turn to the countryside where they hunt for the magnificent, yet dangerous Chupacabra, pushing this wonderful species further down the road to extinction.

2. Sex: They are sexless. They reproduce solely by invoking a committee on this or that problem.

3. Language: How do they talk to each other? Simple! The communist language (also named "the wooden tongue", since they live in the woods). It's very simple to learn. You just need to know Romanian, and add at the end of each word "-oiodo".

Ex: the national anthem in communist language: Alooiodo. Suntoido euoiodo, unoido haiducoiodo. (Hello! It's me, the local Robin Hood alias Bombonel).

People

Romanians are still a mystery to scientists, but the following facts are known:

• They have furry, smelly, yet incredibly delicate feet.

• For several years in the late 1960s, they served the Dark Lord Sauron (now known as Lord of the Dance; not to be confused with Saurug or Saruman).

• There is nothing in the world more powerful than a Romanian person drunk on ţuică or palinca, two magical Romanian potions. Moreover, as the underlying tectonic plate spins at about 750 RPM, Romanians have an amazing innate sense of balance which will keep them standing upright even when reaching alcohol-induced coma.

• They pray every night to Ceausescu, the Romanian god.

• Women in Romania love pula.

• In some region of Romania people are half vampires. They support the light of the sun. When the sun is on sky they are human, but when the night comes they become vampires and they are searching for victims.

• Zdob si Zdub is good. But Grandma too much loves drums and pula. Yach!

Relations

Romanian mating rituals while playing manele MP3 music are dark and mysterious, probably because there is no electricity in Romania (how can they listen to MP3s without electricity?! Damn, we're stupid for not finding that out!)

The raising of children in Romania is also a mystery to scientists all over the world. Although we are certain that they do feed their children with breast milk, there is evidence that they also leave their children in the care of wolves or other wild animals, following traditions from their long lost Roman Empire. Responsible parents will leave their offspring in state-owned orphanages that provide the best upbringing through proper education, a balanced diet and regular physical exercises. As a result, foreigners are bidding fortunes for the chance of adopting these super-children from orphanages.

The Romanian children that were not so lucky to be admitted in an orphanage are brutal and have a 95% chance of becoming manele singers and performing dark rituals. Until their adulthood they are mostly violent, stupid as Hell, and prone to revelry in mindless parties accompanied by lots of Tzuica, Ursus Beer and manele. They have a habit of making wild sounds inherited from their adoptive animal parents. The wolfman dance is a ritual at every wedding in Transylvania.

If by some mistake the Romanian children escape the dreaded Manele Virus they are doomed to live dupa blocuri or "in the 'hood" where they live a life of joy and liberation under the influence of weak narcotics like [[aurolac]].

Economy

Romania has no economy. Oddly, despite the lack of economy, Romania's primary imports are beer and ţuică. Romania's primary export is drama. Rumanian roommates are the world's greatest natural source of drama, and their output does not diminish over time. Romania is also the world's leading exporter of vampires, gymnasts, and sexual fetishisation of old women.

Romania's secondary export consists of a very peculiar vehicle (miraculously produced there, since the country has no economy) called the Dacia. The Dacia is a very special form of transportation and might even become, in the future, an alternative to ecological engines powered by electricity or fuel cells, since it seems to be entirely propelled by curses. Curses are also required for maintenance, because changing oil or a faulty spare part has no effect on the functioning. On the contrary, saying to it rabla dracu, or, in extreme cases tutzi mortzii matii de fieratanie! would always work.

Due to its neighbour Botswana, the currency of Romania is the pula (with its subdivision, the coi). The history of pula started in the 18th century during which there were gold pula coins. The banana merchants of Romania were testing the gold coins with their teeth so a new expression emerged: "eat my pula" meant "test my money, I'm good for it."

Even though the pula gold coins were withdrawn from the market in in the 1980s by the Roman community, the inertia of the language kept the expressions alive. It is not uncommon for rich old banana merchants in Romania to say to their young wives "eat my pula," which can be translated "spend my money, my credit card has no limit."

Tourism

Tourism in Romania is a relative new national sport. Romanians tend to gather in herds in certain times of the year (like the 1'st of May, The International Labourer Day) and go devastate every piece of nature that resisted the previous year's onslaught. When he/she is in the middle of nature, the average Rumanian tends to get melancolic and gets in the mood for some very loud, broken-heart music (aka manele).

After setting up his chosen location and playing the music at the 20000W car stereo, the Rumanian starts to prepare the national dish, the mici (smallies). The "mici" (not to be mistaken for the "muci", the product of the national sport, nosepicking) are at their best served with mustard and a pint or two of beer (or 5, or 6 - who can count them after 10?).

Smallies are a mixture of all types of meat and spices (such as garlic - to fend off vampires, onion - to fend off family, and salmonella), tenderly moulded by old gypsy women who never washed their hands in a somewhat tubular shape. Although you would not expect it, the Rumanian actually cooks the mici, by placing them on improvised stoves or barbecues, called gratare, which are constructed with the sole purpose of producing the maximum amount of smelly smoke in order to annoy the neighbours that don't own one. From bird cages to supermarket trolleys - anything can be converted into a 'gratar', which, you have to admit, is extremely convenient.

After finishing their relaxing day in nature, the Rumanians make sure not to leave the garbage in one location, on the spot, but scatter it all around, so that the few surviving forest animals choke on it (thus the Rumanian lives up to his hunter-gatherer reputation).

A very important tourist attraction of Romania is The Ol'-Bitches' Stone also known as "Babele". Near it is the not so spectacular StonedDude or "Sfinxul" (in Rumanian). If will ever have the privilege to visit Romania, don't miss it!

Culture

One of Romania's greatest sculptors, Constantin Brancusi, has sculpted a piece called Coloana Infinitului, or "The Column of Infinity" in English. It is considered a masterpiece nowadays but the truth is that the sculptor was a savage man who fell into a very deep hole as a child and his parents dropped him a large tree trunk to help him get out. It took him years to chop the column from the tree trunk until he could use it as a ladder.

Because it took so long for him to complete his escape he named his ladder "The Column of Infinity." It is still unknown why his parents didn't drop a rope for him to get out or how he survived in the hole surrounded by and feeding on his bodily residues.

Music

Rock culture is starting to grow in Romania. This year (2005) many rock bands performed in Romania, and more are scheduled to do so in the future. Megadeth is an example. Adi The Wonder Boy, the hard rock legend, will open the Megadeth concert with his brutal, yet soft crow-like voice.

Another style of music very popular in Romania is "manele". It's positioning among the currents in contemporary music is controversial. Some say it is more like dub, some assimilate it with trip-hop, it even has been stated that it is closely linked with Shostacovitch. This type of music has nevertheless prehistoric beginnings, many countries seem to have imported and adapted it, sometimes spoiling it (see Britney Spears, for instance).

The leaders of the manele genre, in Romania, are Adrian Copilu' Minune (Ady the Wonder Kid), lately known as Adi de Vito (without any resemblance to Danny DeVito; the name actually refers to "Vito!", a customary Rumanian greeting meaning "You cow!"), and Nicolae Guta (or Gootzah, for the manele lovers with a hip-hop side), a.k.a. Guta Reynolds. Although Guta is the recognized king of manele (he was crowned live during the Teo -one of Oprah's disciples- Show), these two are in a constant fight for supremacy in the manele business and in the poor Rumanian's heart.

Present day Manele are arabian-like songs which are played all night long at parties in Oltenia and Moldova provinces of Romania. The best manele song is Vecini si dusmani. The main idea of the song is Let's party and don't let the neighbours sleep

Nevertheless we should also mention that Gutza, the great poet/musician, not long ago had a heart attack when receiving the news that he won the Nobel Prize for Peace in 2005.

A strong appearence on musical scene is the PARAZITII (The parasites) - hip hop band with economic influences that speaks about the romanian currency (pula and coi), about their strong competitors from the manele section to which they send friendly greetings; they sound like, "muie voua si celor care va asculta" (we are great friends let`s have a drink - TUICA) or "esti un taran in pantofi si cu telemea pe dinti" ("i like your tooth-paste and especially your RICCI shoes"). They are great boys( Ombladon - sort of embrio, Cheloo = The bald drinking man and FDD = Freaka Da Dick ).Last but not least, they really enjoy marching for the legalisation of the "iarba", generally known as "weed".They think it's a good a idea to smoke one before dinner, at dinner, after dinner and if there's any left, after the one you smoked after dinner.

Sport

The favourite sport of the Rumanian football players is drunk driving while listening to hard-core manele. This extracurricular activity recently led to the qualification of Romania's national team directly to the final of the 2006 World Cup, which, as a tribute to the razboinicul luminii, Gigi Becali (the Warrior of the light), will be held in the tycoon's home basement in Pipera.

The qualification session was quite an adventure, with Mutu the Inhaler playing in his spare time at two football clubs (Chelsea and Juventus). Despite his late training session (which he conducted at his third club, the F.C.M. Exotic Dance Club of Ciorogîrla) on the night before the qualification match, Mutu managed to overcome his tiredness before the very important match by using his magical white fairy dust. And, because fairy dust makes you fly over puffy velvet clouds with hordes of pink seagulls, Mutu had no problem flying through the opposing defence right into the stands.

With the force of Mutu by their side, Romania's squad had no problem to win the match, although the opposing team, a mixture of world top class players, claimed that the referee (internationally known Grigory Blatovsky) was against them. This match set a new record, with 22 penalties awarded to the Rumanians and 15 goals cancelled for the opposing team. It ended 1-0 for Romania, with a goal scored in the 9th minute of stoppage time by an intoxicated romanian fan.

Might be interesting to know that, because the match was played on Rumanian soil, the foreign goal-keeper was blindfolded while having to stay in one foot with his hands tied behind his back. We will be back with more details from the final, scheduled to be played when the Rumanian players return from their bonus trip to Mars.

A new sport almost emerged: maddogg hunting. It was like this: the maddoggs were once maddpuppies. They were forced to live in the catacombs beneath Bucharest eating only expired plastic bags (a powerful mutagen agent). After two years of plastic eating, the maddpuppies reached maturity. They started hunting rats, maddcatz and the occasional human that dared get out after sunset. The maddoggs started organizing in maddpacks, tribal like organizations in which constant fights were led for supremacy. The maddpack leader usually had an opposable thumb at the 4th foot. The hunt began when the maddoggs started to organize a plot to overthrow the government (after they invented a new way to clean the toilet). The great maddogg crusade was led by Basescu the Slayer. Because of his great succes, he was elected president to rid the country of maddcommunists (regular communists forced to eat bullshit communist doctrines for 50 years).

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